Fat Man Trying

Tick-tock, tick-tock.

A question on a message board, hearing that Gwen Stefani song, and a visit to Steph's site (the girl in the video below) all got me thinking about this again.

Do you ever say things like....

"When I retire..."

"When the kids..."

I used to say stuff like that a lot. Georgia used to add "and when the dog dies..."

Actually, the dog did finally die so of course ... well... we got another dog! But, that's not my point!

Why do we assume we'll make it until whatever it is we're waiting for to happen actually does happen?

Married? Have a significant other? What about them? Is the assumption they'll always be around as well?

And yet, totally living in the moment isn't really possible for most any of us who haven't won the lottery and are still working. We have obligations we must meet to keep the roller coaster going. But, somewhere in all of our day to day subterfuge the question, "What are you waiting for?" is valid, right?

I was so stuck in my self dug rut if someone were to ever suggest doing anything that was even remotely outside my little comfort zone I'd firmly decline and question their mentality.

On a school night!? My God! WTF are you thinking? I have to get up and go to work! Sheesh...

Yeah, and I really loved my job so much that living for that job was much more enjoyable than living to ... well, actually enjoy life!

Haven't some of the most enjoyable things you've ever done been the result of you stepping at least a little out of your comfort zone?

Take a chance cause you might grow.

I was bullet proof and invisible before I had the heart attack.

I think there was a small part of me that thought finishing a marathon might make me bullet proof and invisible once again. It certainly wasn't a front and center thought, but it was definitely back there lurking about.

I guess some of the things I have felt are about as double edged as it can get. I enjoy so much more about today and even who I am today than I ever did before. I think it was in many ways a gift to see how fast it can all end. I revel in the changed mindset this has all brought about.

At the same time, though, I do at times feel that I am literally now running for my life. There are some times when you wonder if any of what you are trying to do for your health really matters... will another clot get loose and be the one that ends it all? Will one of the stents fail?

Hell, I could get hit by a car tomorrow and be killed! So could you!

And you know what.... that's the thing... I never was bullet proof and invisible! So many things can end it all so fast... It's just flawed logic. I mean really... If I had been bullet proof and invisible how in the hell did I have a heart attack!

"Well, DUH!" you say.... "Dude, flawed is being kind!" You're bordering on bigtime dumbass here."

But, finishing the Marathon did show me that I can do anything. Knowing you can do anything does damn good things to ones self esteem. When one is really confidant in themselves they might feel... well, I dunno... bullet proof and invisible, maybe!?

The thing is, it's better than that. I again have the confidence I used to have but I also have a kind of wisdom about the day that I never had before.

So far, I tell ya... it's been one hell of a journey!