Fat Man Trying

Hey!

Yeah, I'm still kicking. I've thought of 1000 things to say here, but never got around to posting.

The last post was titled "Struggling" and pretty much everything in between has been all about that. I think I pushed it all too hard and it wasn't in my healths best interest.

Lots of things of happened since then and I'll spend some time going through all that and laying out where I'm going.

Just as soon as I know, you'll be the first to know!

I'm not going to lie, the last month has been a real struggle. Both physically and mentally.

The root cause is something I've thought about a lot and by and large I think it's the result of several different things.

In no particular order I came up with...

Post big event depression. Yes, The Relay. It was my only event last season and I'd been really excited about this event from the first time I'd heard about it almost 15 months before it's inaugural running. Combine that really long uncertain buildup with an event that went beyond my expectations and basically played out over 50 something hours and well.... there is a let down when it's all said and done and nothing else is on the calender.

Getting taken down by a really bad case of the flu the morning after the Relay. I went down really hard for five solid days. The congestion was monumental.

Spring. After taking seven straight days off and with lungs still really full of crap, I once again hit the trails. They were literally covered in yellow pine pollen. I could not get any air. Running just 100 yards was brutal and I'd start hacking like the three pack a day smoker I used to be.

My Relay runs. I ran three short legs. As I said in the blog after the event, I felt two of them were disasters even though my pace was more than a minute faster than anything I've ever run. The best description I could come up with then was "uncomfortable." When you're on a team and the best you got doesn't even get you within a minute of the maximum allowed pace for the event, that means all of your team mates have to make up for your shortcomings.

On my first run which was the 5th leg, all I could think was "hurry up!" The course was a little hilly and it threw my normal run/walk routine for a loop. I settled down for my second leg and it was an awesome experience. When we came back on for our third runs, we were told we were basically the last team on the course and there was some concern about us getting to a specific point before the cutoff. Well hell! On that run I was pretty much ramped up to "hurry the fuck up!" mode. Which for me is still almost a minute short of the allowed time. Inadequate. I never felt any chest pain or anything physical that set off any alarms. I don't know... I think it's probably all a mental thing... I was just way out of my comfort zone. Fear.

So, knocked down physically and battling all the gremlins, I've been really struggling.

Over the 10 days or so, the air has cleared and my lungs mostly have as well. Outside of a little bit of a fitness setback that all these far less intense outings have caused, things are once again returning to normal. While some of this was seemingly apparent during the ordeal, nothing was really decisive so many outings were fraught with doubt. It's really hard to explain... why something that should be pretty obvious leads to so much doubt for so long.

I'm wondering if the fear thing with the heart ever goes away. I'm also not sure fear is actually a bad thing.

and I'm getting excited!

I didn't do a whole lot last week. I was feeling pretty fatigued after the relay simulation thing. I did two really easy days and then I did 6 yesterday. I felt pretty fresh going in, but it didn't take long before everything got heavy. Time was decent. I'm still a long way from this being as easy as the 1/1's were. Most of the time, I'm still optimistic that eventually I'll get there. Looking back over the last month or so, I think some of what I'm fighting right now is the shortening of the walk intervals. I was having a few good days with the 90 second walk breaks. I might be ratcheting them back a little too fast.

The only truly consistent thing over these last few years is any improvement takes forever and a day. Sadly, I'm not real patient. So there is a bit of a clash in my daily reality.

I'm not planning any big mileage this week. Just want to stay loose and try to go into this thing as fresh as I can. No question about it, I am the weakest link on this team. It's not a coincidence I was given the two shortest runs. And frankly I'm realistic about it all. The team captain did the right thing and I'm glad he did.

Now, giving me the last run is a truly awesome gesture... I do know that's an honor and I'm really looking forward to it and I know it's got the big time potential for being a really emotional run for me... but, there is also a little fear about how fast I can do it after enduring everything that proceeds it. The relay veterans all talk about dead legs and sleep deprivation. Man, doesn't that sound like fun!

You know, I think the nervousness about these things is to some degree a part of the attraction. Getting out there and taking on your fear and self doubt is truly a big part of the reward.

Self-conquest is the greatest of victories.-- Plato

Yes, it is!

Who's playing?

I'll watch, but I can't say that I really care about anything other than the food, drinks, and commercials.

IMHO, pro football hasn't been a fans sport in years... it's all about the private seat licensing and the corporations, baby!

Anyway, not much to report from last week. Trying to be smart with my training and get some decent rest days in with some longer mileage days. I'll probably alternate four day weeks and five day weeks. The four day weeks will probably be the higher mileage weeks and I'll use the five day weeks to recover and try to shorten the walk intervals. We'll see.

Less than a month away from the relay. I'm really looking forward to it!

A good friend had a knee replacement scheduled for last week and the Dr's put it off. It seems his glucose level is now way too high. Diabetes was mentioned. He wouldn't get real specific about it. I'm thinking he might be in denial.

Frankly I wasn't at all surprised. This is a guy who went to see his Dr a couple of days after my heart attack because he too had been feeling some "funny things." He walked out a couple of days later sporting a shiny new Stent installed in one of his main arteries. Still, he didn't really get serious about making any real changes until a year or so later when his first knee replacement was being discussed. The Dr.s told him they wouldn't operate unless he dropped some weight. He did South Beach and dropped a lot of weight and they did the surgery. After the surgery he quit South Beach and put all the weight plus some back on... Right before his surgery I told him that all that weight loss was a great thing since all things considered he had been looking straight down the barrel at diabetes.

Anyway, so we're talking about food stuff the other night and they want to know what my carb intake is. I tell them 40% or more and they are all pretty flabbergasted. I tell them many runners are up in the 60% range and then I try to work in a mention of how doing any kind of exercise can actually expand your food options. It was during that discussion that it was tossed out there...

"Yeah, but it's easy for you, you're obsessed with running."

I chuckled and really didn't comment about it or refute it. It wasn't until the next day while out running that I even started thinking about it and why most don't seem to get it.

I have an obsessive personality, hell I know and admit that. But, in the sense they meant running, actually being obsessed with the physical act of running... I don't think so. I haven't been enjoying it much since I started trying to increase my run intervals. It's really fucking hard.

Admittedly last spring after all that marathon training the 1/1's were easy and there were a lot of days I really enjoyed being out there physically just running laps. Still, even when it's actually very enjoyable I wouldn't say I'm obsessed with the act of running.

I'd say I'm very obsessed with finding ways to maintain the motivation and ultimately the discipline necessary to keep getting out there and running every week. I'm obsessed with figuring out a long training plan that will help my achieve my goals. I'm obsessed with how many miles I ran this week, this month, last year. I'm obsessed with logging the miles and the times. I'm obsessed with watching the miles add up to numbers I thought way beyond impossible for me. I'm obsessed with trying to improve my pace, a faster lap, a faster mile, an easier mile. I'm obsessed with finishing a 10K, the Half Marathon, the Marathon, and yes, eventually a 50K. I'm obsessed with the next event...

I guess in the grand scheme of things that all falls under the "running" umbrella but that's not the way they meant it and sadly, I don't think they'll really ever understand it...

Ultimately what I'm totally obsessed with is trying to improve my damaged hearts' health and yes, my mental health. Running is simply the means I've chosen to try to do that.

I'm not sure why I'm neglecting this thing. Writing here and even being able to go back and read what I wrote a year or two ago has been a huge help for me. I'm going to try to get in the habit of posting something at least on Sundays... we'll see.

This morning I'm sitting here watching the 2008 Houston Marathon on TV. Last year, I was running it.

It's weird. It feels like it's been a lot longer than a year. Especially since everything else like Christmas and New Years seems to be coming around faster and faster every year. I'm wondering if it's because today I feel like 26.2 miles would be impossible. And, that's weird because I'm in better condition now than I was last year.

I tell ya, all of this is so mental. Deep down I guess I know the reality is I could have gone out and done the same thing I did last year, the 1/1 intervals, and I'd have probably improved my time by 5 minutes or so. This move to 3 minute intervals is just feeling that hard right now. Doing it for an hour is tough.

If I ever start talking about starting over again, I'd appreciate it if you'd give me a swift kick in the junk.

At points toward the end of the year, this attempt at change was actually feeling really good. Maybe I slowed because of the lost time I had with the flu. Rationally, it's more likely because I'm in one of the low periods you inevitably experience when you begin training. And as I've already said a few times, it's that "begin" thing I'm not having much fun with right now! I've done it all before and not all of it is fun.

There should be a peak coming. There better be a peak coming! There always has been in the past. And man, those are fun!

I'm really ready for the fun to start.

down rain and 40 degrees outside. I got in one run last week. Today ain't looking real good.

At least I'm home until closer to Christmas. I should be able to get in some decent miles. Not that what I'm doing right now requires decent miles... in fact quite the opposite. I should be doing shorter distances trying to extend my running intervals. But, I've got this other goal working...

I've definitely got one goal working against the other here. I should be doing less mileage right now and working on extending my running intervals. Oh, and resting and recovering would really be helpful. But no, can't let go of the stoopid mileage goal for the greater good so it's all much more of a struggle than it should be.

Oh well, I know I'm too stubborn to give up on it until it's way past too late so I might as well move on and whine about something else!

Let's see... what can I whine about... Oh I know! I'll bitch some more about food!

As I sit here today, I'm happy with the progress I'm seeing in my quest to improve all things Fatman.

Last week, I wasn't real happy. I didn't make any changes in the program... some things just started getting a little easier. Next week, things will probably suck again. I guess it's all part of the cycle.

One thing I gave up on when I started this new thing was the attempt to break 1000 miles for the year. It was one of those goals that presented itself ya know... not something I started out the year with so it's not something I feel I failed at.

The problem is, I'm realizing I still haven't really given up on it. I found myself double checking the miles needed when Oct ended. The miles are possible if I didn't have anything in the way... like Thanksgiving and Christmas.... and my parents down in Rockport for a month expecting us to come down whenever we have any free time. Which after about the 15th, that will probably be the rest of the month.

I can't get miles in down there. Not enough to matter anyway. It's up early and in the boat before sunrise and 8 or so hours later you came back completely worn out. And this is whats weird... I'm wanting to stay up here and try and get the miles.

That my friends is a real sickness.

How many more times am I going to have the opportunity to fish with my Dad? To hang out with my Mom?

And I'm trying to figure out how to get runs in....

I'm going to try and post something on Sundays. It's always a rest day unless there is a race.

It's funny, while I'm out there I think of all kinds of things to post but when I get back, I never find the time to do it.

Things are going OK. I'm still working toward extending my running intervals. There is a part of me that wants to say how frustratingly slow it's going, but there is another part of me that remembers how difficult it was to run that first 50 yards a couple of years ago.

I've spent most all of October doing the run a minute, walk a minute and a half, run two minutes, walk a minute and a half, run three minutes, walk a minute and half and then repeat thing. I'm making headway, it's getting easier, but it's been a slow process. I'll make some kind of adjustment the first of November and I'm mentally prepared to stay with that all month. I have logged some days that are faster than anything I've logged before so that has been encouraging. It's not a lot, but it all adds up.

The weight loss rate is definitely better than it was when I was doing longer training programs. That's a plus and one of the two main reasons I decided to change directions. It's not blazing fast, but a couple of pounds a month will work. When I was training, I'd do well to see 3 pounds lost over 4 or 5 months.

I guess the goal right now is to get to 3 minutes. Once I get there, I'll see if I can cut the walking down to one minute. I was able to make some improvements over the year between training for the Half's and then training for the Full, so I might be able to work up to 4 from that point. That's the plan anyway.

The only event on the burner is the March 10K. Surprisingly, I'm not having too much difficulty staying motivated to get out there everyday. The will to want to improve is pretty strong.

The weather has changed. Radically. It was like going from summer to winter overnight. It's mellowed some but it's taking me a while to get used to it. The blood thinners keep me cold even when it's 70 degrees and that really sucks. Especially when I get done running and get on the bike to ride home. The sweat makes the air feel quite a bit colder. It's doubtful I'll continue averaging the 6 mile a day bike rides I'd been getting in over the summer.

Anyway, all is well and slowly but surely, things are heading in the right direction!

Yes I am a pirate, two hundred years too late
The cannons don't thunder, there's nothin' to plunder
I'm an over-forty victim of fate
Arriving too late, arriving too late

There was a time I probably would have been pretty depresed about turning 50. Now, I view every day above the ground as a damn good day.

Still, you'd think after 50 yrs I'd have decided what I really want to be when I grow up.

Mother, mother ocean, after all my years I've found
Occupational hazard being my occupations just not around

Oh well, I have figured out beyond a shadow of a doubt that no matter what, you can't get out of here alive so fuck it... I'm going to continue to live as if I was dying...

So, what does that have to do with running? Hellifiknow!

I'm so undecided about whats next it's become pathetic. It seems that almost everyday I change my mind.

I guess the good news is that after struggling a bit to get out the door the first week back from vacation I'm easily getting out there now without having the motivation of a scheduled race hanging out there. Now that the temps have mellowed a bit I can also rationally see why once again I struggled so hard through the heat of a Southeast Texas summer.

I keep thinking, "Wouldn't it be great to do something spectacular in your 50th year?" Something like "50K in year 50"... or "The Goofy Challenge"... except it would be The Seabrook version.

I tell ya, it all plays out really well in my mind.

But then I think, "Maybe your goal should remain more along the lines of fitness improvement. Take aim at the first race you ever did... that 10K in March. Focus on just how much you could improve your time. Then I could work back up from there to Half's and so on."

For me, the differences are huge. If I decided to train for a 50K I'd be training based on a 1 minute walking, 1 minute running. That's what my base is and I know from past experience I wouldn't be able to stray to far from that. I tried to add some running time during the summer, but that as was documented here didn't work.

There are plenty of 50K's out there that allow enough time for me to finish doing that kind of routine and I know I can do a 50K.

If I decided to set my sights on the 10K, I'd basically start over from scratch. I'd go out every day and concentrate on running as far as I could until I had to take a break and see what I could comfortably work up to over the next three months or so. Barring injury, it would be a time shattering event for me even if I did 1/1's... I walked it the first time!

Still, I'm thinking the end result could go way beyond the simplicity of all that. I know if I start training for a 50K, I'll drop maybe 3 to 5 lbs between now and race day. Past experience has demonstrated how disastrous restricing calories while doing 15 mile runs can be for me.

If I shoot at the 10K, I think I can lose quite a bit more weight and I could gain quite a bit of fitness and possibly some speed. If it worked, I'd also benefit from the whole increased heart rate for longer periods of time thing. And ultimately, that would be the most beneficial for me.

I think I've had a fear thing going with the heart rate. I don't think I've gotten comfortable with feeling it beat at really elevated rates and I think when it happens I slow down out of fear. I'm learning thats not a rational fear.

Can I overcome that fear?

I'm not so sure that for me signing up for the 50K isn't the cop out. Yes, it's 31 miles but it would mean everything stays status quo.

I'm leaning toward starting over...

The vacation was great. I'm having a hard time getting back to the real world. I've run once since I got back and I plan to go out tomorrow and Saturday.

I'm still not sure what I'm going to do race wise. I'm now casting glances in Austin's general direction. Their Marathon is the 17th of Feb. That gives me plenty of time to train. The question is do I sign up for the full or just the half? I've not yet made my weight loss goal, but Austin allows 7 hours so I don't think I'd beat myself up so much training for it. I've got plenty of time to think about it and considering this Saturday is my 50th birthday, I imagine I'll be doing lots of thinking!

has passed! We are half way to cooler temps!

I'm still here, still hitting the trails.

The rain is back. It's really been a bizarre summer weather wise. We had two weeks of hell hot and the rest has been rain. If a tropical storm comes through here any time soon the flooding could be biblical.

There is a new form of exercise gaining popularity out of necessity here. It's called "sprint mowing." Damn near everybody is doing it. If it stops raining you fire up the mower and set the deck as high as it will go and start pushing it around the yard running as fast as you can. Hell, the landscape crews are mowing now every day in the rain. They are that far behind and the grass growth is that out of control.

Running wise not a lot to report. I'm basically battling to keep running shoes dry. Between the rain and the oppressive humidity inducing sweat, I'm cycling though 3 pairs of shoes and they all feel like they weigh twice what they should. I'm dragging out all kinds of old pairs of shoes trying to make things work. One pair got so bad from sweat running down my legs the other day that I could hear my shoes squishing over my MP3 player.

We're hoping to hit the road tomorrow and get away for a couple of days to Gulf Shores Alabama and visit my parents. Supposedly we'll get to enjoy their drought. I'm betting we'll bring rain and save the day. Of course we won't get proper credit. Like a statue in our honor in town square... something like that.

Hell, I'll settle for a pound of shrimp.

and more rain...

Crazy.

I had high hopes for this week. And last week...

Oh well, it's not something I can control so what the hell.

Now, have I gone to the gym when it rains? No.

I'm just not getting the whole love for the gym thing going. I don't hate it, but it's normally a choice thing for me... run or go inside? Outside seems to win every single time for me. I really should start getting myself into the mindset that if the weather is an issue, I'll hit the gym.

It's now on my to do list.

was the three year anniversary of my heart attack. In the MI survivor world, that's a big one.

Way back when I promised a couple of people I would write a "trip report" about the night it happened. Maybe soon.

It's been an amazing three years and I admit I've been pretty reflective over the last few weeks. I've said this before... in many ways I do feel I was given a gift. I do now actually live life. I smell the roses every single day. When I get that anxious feeling something is going to take me out of my comfort zone, I stick my toe in just a little and see what kind of feeling that brings on. I used to throw up a wall. "When I retire" is no longer a part of my vocabulary. Outside of the very real monetary restrictions, there is no more "wait." I see every day as a gift and it's been a real blast!

On the other hand, depending upon how you stack up the vitals, basically 60% of the people who had similar MI's and damage don't make it to the three year mark. In many ways it has defined who I am and what I do. I go back and forth about the merits of allowing something to define you so narrowly. Immortality is always here riding shotgun and that can at times be a bit of a downer.

I do wonder if I ever thought I was "out of the woods," would I stop doing what I do now? Would I revert back to who and what I used to be? I doubt it and I really hope not. Not that the "new me" is a nice enjoyable walk in the park, but looking back... man, I was an ass about so many things and I paid no never mind to my health, mental or physical.

Running has probably been the most personally rewarding part of all this. No doubt the hardest thing I've ever done, but thats why it has been so rewarding. It is an outlet like no other I've ever been involved in and believe me, I have tried lots of outlets! Some legally and morally questionable!

Running is the ultimate metaphor for everything. You grow every single day that you suck it up and lace up the shoes and get out there and do it. You know those things in your life you really want to get done, but you never actually finish? With running, you have the opportunity to relish in the reward of finishing something tough every single day. Sign up for a 10K and you will start delving into your soul. Sign up for a half or full marathon and I guarantee you'll go deep.. you'll find out things about yourself you never ever knew.

With running, you get out of it what you put into it. You want more? Hey, it's there for the taking! You know exactly what you have to do to get it.

The question is always, "Just how badly do you really want it?"

I feel that's where I am with this life. If I want more, it's there, but I'll have to keep working for it.

The thing is... I never in a million years imagined I would actually love the work.

Long may you run.

Been semi busy doing nothing.

Just got back from St Louis. We stayed across the street from the Arch. Saturday morning it was clear and cool and I couldn't resist getting out there and running through the Arch. It was awesome. Ran over to Busch Field after that. What a cool stadium.

We have my sons college graduation (yeah!) in Denver coming up in a few weeks so I'm mostly just working on fitness and weight loss in between interruptions. So far, I'm doing OK on the increase to 2/1's. I'm trying to do lots of daily variation. I'll run all 2/1's one day and then the next day I'll do one lap at 1/1 and then 2 at 2/1 and then repeat that for a total of 6 laps.

Some days I'll do a 1/1 lap then a 2/1 lap and then a hill lap which is more random running. I'm typically doing an hour a day. I'm going to keep trying to work in a longer runs at least twice a month. I'd like to do more longer runs, at least once a week, but I know the hell hot summer is approaching so I'm going to play it by ear.

I've been going a little longer on the bike as well. It's a simple two mile round trip to and from the park and I at least try to work in another mile or two on most days. Hey, it really adds up! I've had the bike 14 months now and I've logged 620 miles. No, it's nothing at all close to spectacular but it's still 620 miles further than my fat ass has biked in well over 30 years!

I've also saved about 30 gallons of gas, so I got that going for me... which is nice!

In the weight loss department, not too bad and that is the focus right now. The St Louis trip was a break even thing, but I'm still moving slowly in the right direction. If I can get through Denver and still be down a couple of LB's at the end of the month I'll be happy.

At this point I'm really pinning next years events to how well the weight loss continues through the summer. If by August I'm not where I think I should be I might not do anything over 30K. The last two years have taught me that when I get into full blown training mode my rate of weight loss drops to about a third of what it is when I'm putting in a random hour or so a day. And at best I'm dropping only a couple of pounds a month so to slow to something like 3lbs over 5 months... well, that ain't going to work.... I have places to go and people to see!