Fat Man Trying

I'm not going to lie, the last month has been a real struggle. Both physically and mentally.

The root cause is something I've thought about a lot and by and large I think it's the result of several different things.

In no particular order I came up with...

Post big event depression. Yes, The Relay. It was my only event last season and I'd been really excited about this event from the first time I'd heard about it almost 15 months before it's inaugural running. Combine that really long uncertain buildup with an event that went beyond my expectations and basically played out over 50 something hours and well.... there is a let down when it's all said and done and nothing else is on the calender.

Getting taken down by a really bad case of the flu the morning after the Relay. I went down really hard for five solid days. The congestion was monumental.

Spring. After taking seven straight days off and with lungs still really full of crap, I once again hit the trails. They were literally covered in yellow pine pollen. I could not get any air. Running just 100 yards was brutal and I'd start hacking like the three pack a day smoker I used to be.

My Relay runs. I ran three short legs. As I said in the blog after the event, I felt two of them were disasters even though my pace was more than a minute faster than anything I've ever run. The best description I could come up with then was "uncomfortable." When you're on a team and the best you got doesn't even get you within a minute of the maximum allowed pace for the event, that means all of your team mates have to make up for your shortcomings.

On my first run which was the 5th leg, all I could think was "hurry up!" The course was a little hilly and it threw my normal run/walk routine for a loop. I settled down for my second leg and it was an awesome experience. When we came back on for our third runs, we were told we were basically the last team on the course and there was some concern about us getting to a specific point before the cutoff. Well hell! On that run I was pretty much ramped up to "hurry the fuck up!" mode. Which for me is still almost a minute short of the allowed time. Inadequate. I never felt any chest pain or anything physical that set off any alarms. I don't know... I think it's probably all a mental thing... I was just way out of my comfort zone. Fear.

So, knocked down physically and battling all the gremlins, I've been really struggling.

Over the 10 days or so, the air has cleared and my lungs mostly have as well. Outside of a little bit of a fitness setback that all these far less intense outings have caused, things are once again returning to normal. While some of this was seemingly apparent during the ordeal, nothing was really decisive so many outings were fraught with doubt. It's really hard to explain... why something that should be pretty obvious leads to so much doubt for so long.

I'm wondering if the fear thing with the heart ever goes away. I'm also not sure fear is actually a bad thing.

and you can literally see it!

Man, the allergies are wearing me out. I came out of the house Saturday morning and you could actually see the pollen falling out of the sky. I guess the good news is I've accepted that it's a problem and I'm just putting miles in and not worrying too much about run intervals, etc. I won't lie, I'm ready for it to be over, but I'm not fretting... a good sign!

Overall, not counting suffering from the allergy crap, I feel good. I'm really feeling the need to focus on making the gym part of my weekly routine again. I've done OK with that a couple of times in the past, but I always end up scrapping it because I tie the schedule in with my running and that doesn't always work. The place I go only allows access to the machines at certain hours. I'm even considering looking for a used bowflex. I'm not looking to do anything other than light strength training. I'm going to try to hit the gym at least a couple of times next week.

We'll see!

Sorry for the MIA.

The relay went well. I couldn't have gotten luckier with the luck of the draw internet message board compiled team members. What a great group of people!

I learned a lot and truthfully I'm still digesting the experience. Perspective is truly an amazing thing and I think all of us went in with certain perceptions and we probably all came out with different ones. I know I see some things better now simply because I can see some different running perspectives better than I did before.

As for my runs, one was a blast and two were marginal. The funny thing is the two that were marginal were the fastest paced "events" I've ever done. One worked out to a 10:58 pace and the other was like 11:15. It's really hard to explain why I'm not holding these out as huge personal accomplishments because in many respects they are. Sub 11 minute miles wasn't something I thought I was capable of. I've spent the whole season trying to "get faster" and by this measurement I clearly have gotten faster. I don't know... I think it's probably still a mix of fear and very real physical limitations.

To make matters worse, I got another dose of the flu less than 24 hrs after the event ended and it really kicked my ass. After 4 yrs of not being sick, that's twice in like 70 days or so. I was running a 102 fever for five days and I still have so much crap in my lungs that all last week I was barely able to run a minute at a time. Once again it feels like I've really lost a lot of fitness. I guess the next couple of weeks will tell the tale.

I know this often reads like I'm constantly frustrated... that's probably not totally accurate... most of the time I do really feel like I'm on the right path. Over the year, I've lost more weight than I did the year before training for the marathon and that was the plan. I still feel that I need to keep the focus on weight loss and improved fitness and endurance and that probably means once again not planning to do any major events through the fall.

I'm thinking I might average less daily mileage this summer and work on increasing the intensity over something like 30 to 40 minute intervals. Last summer I tried to keep my mileage base built up and I tried to do at least one 8 and 10 mile outing every month. In order to do that, I did a lot of junk miles. Don't get me wrong, I think there is a hell of a lot of value in junk miles, but I think right now I can keep getting the necessary weekly workouts in without having to make things easier in order to stay out there longer.

The next 60 days will probably tell me a lot. Hopefully I'll shake off this crud and get a better idea where I am. I know the heat will knock me back a bunch so what I work on will be largely determined by where I am mid May. At the very least, the bottom line is I'm hoping to still be "out there!" That's ultimately what it's all about.

and I'm getting excited!

I didn't do a whole lot last week. I was feeling pretty fatigued after the relay simulation thing. I did two really easy days and then I did 6 yesterday. I felt pretty fresh going in, but it didn't take long before everything got heavy. Time was decent. I'm still a long way from this being as easy as the 1/1's were. Most of the time, I'm still optimistic that eventually I'll get there. Looking back over the last month or so, I think some of what I'm fighting right now is the shortening of the walk intervals. I was having a few good days with the 90 second walk breaks. I might be ratcheting them back a little too fast.

The only truly consistent thing over these last few years is any improvement takes forever and a day. Sadly, I'm not real patient. So there is a bit of a clash in my daily reality.

I'm not planning any big mileage this week. Just want to stay loose and try to go into this thing as fresh as I can. No question about it, I am the weakest link on this team. It's not a coincidence I was given the two shortest runs. And frankly I'm realistic about it all. The team captain did the right thing and I'm glad he did.

Now, giving me the last run is a truly awesome gesture... I do know that's an honor and I'm really looking forward to it and I know it's got the big time potential for being a really emotional run for me... but, there is also a little fear about how fast I can do it after enduring everything that proceeds it. The relay veterans all talk about dead legs and sleep deprivation. Man, doesn't that sound like fun!

You know, I think the nervousness about these things is to some degree a part of the attraction. Getting out there and taking on your fear and self doubt is truly a big part of the reward.

Self-conquest is the greatest of victories.-- Plato

Yes, it is!

So, with the relay fast approaching, I decided to try and attempt a bit of a simulation.

I started Thursday with a morning and afternoon run, repeated that for Friday, and then did a Saturday morning run. Basically 5 runs in 48 hours. If you count the 1.15 mile team prologue run and your damn right I will, I'll do 5 runs in 34 or so hours during the relay. Not super accurate on the time intervals but hopefully better than nothing. Mileage wise, I'm scheduled for 16+ in the relay and I did 19+. My longest run in the relay is my last one and I did that yesterday as well.

I'd never done doubles before so that alone was a bit of an eye opener. I was expecting to feel some tightness as it all went along, and if anything, it was the opposite of that. Friday morning wasn't too bad. Friday afternoon was tough. Saturday was flat out hard.

I was doing 5.35 miles and as the laps went by, I was having a harder and harder time running through my full three minutes intervals. Toward the end, I stopped a couple of times close to 30 seconds short... Man, I was huffin and puffin and really fatigued and generally feeling pretty damn negative about the whole situation.

And then I got a little shot of perspective. I came home and entered my time in the log and as bad as it felt, I completed it at a pace that was faster than anything I've ever logged at an event. My worst pace right now is still better than last Springs at the time best ever PR's.

So I got that goin' for me, which is nice.

It does knock a lot of the edge off. I'm also pretty damn close to what I gave our Team Captain... within 5 seconds per mile.

I'm still nervous about the prologue and epilogue runs you do with the whole team. I'm the only run/walker on the team and there appears to be some really fast people on this team. I'll talk to the Captain and see what he's thinking. I don't think I can run a mile. Man, that sounds strange but it is what it is.

and I think I'm OK. I've read that all you need to be able to do is a 10K. I hope thats true! I'm only a little concerned about my last leg in the race, which is the final leg. I'm stoked about the whole last leg part, but it's about 6 miles, so I'm a little worried about fatigue levels at that point. The reality is I'd probably at worse be 30 to 45 seconds a mile slower than the time I turned in and frankly it probably won't matter a lot if we make it that far!

I did 8 miles yesterday and it felt like the first time I ever did 8 miles. I have to admit that's a little frustrating. I keep telling myself it will all be worth it in the end even if it is really hard to see right now.

As an aside, I hope I'm not jumping the gun, but I think the worst of our winter is probably over and I'm glad to see it go. These blood thinners really make me feel chilled all the damn time. The next 4 months are some of the best here, so I'm looking forward to it!

Who's playing?

I'll watch, but I can't say that I really care about anything other than the food, drinks, and commercials.

IMHO, pro football hasn't been a fans sport in years... it's all about the private seat licensing and the corporations, baby!

Anyway, not much to report from last week. Trying to be smart with my training and get some decent rest days in with some longer mileage days. I'll probably alternate four day weeks and five day weeks. The four day weeks will probably be the higher mileage weeks and I'll use the five day weeks to recover and try to shorten the walk intervals. We'll see.

Less than a month away from the relay. I'm really looking forward to it!

A good friend had a knee replacement scheduled for last week and the Dr's put it off. It seems his glucose level is now way too high. Diabetes was mentioned. He wouldn't get real specific about it. I'm thinking he might be in denial.

Frankly I wasn't at all surprised. This is a guy who went to see his Dr a couple of days after my heart attack because he too had been feeling some "funny things." He walked out a couple of days later sporting a shiny new Stent installed in one of his main arteries. Still, he didn't really get serious about making any real changes until a year or so later when his first knee replacement was being discussed. The Dr.s told him they wouldn't operate unless he dropped some weight. He did South Beach and dropped a lot of weight and they did the surgery. After the surgery he quit South Beach and put all the weight plus some back on... Right before his surgery I told him that all that weight loss was a great thing since all things considered he had been looking straight down the barrel at diabetes.

Anyway, so we're talking about food stuff the other night and they want to know what my carb intake is. I tell them 40% or more and they are all pretty flabbergasted. I tell them many runners are up in the 60% range and then I try to work in a mention of how doing any kind of exercise can actually expand your food options. It was during that discussion that it was tossed out there...

"Yeah, but it's easy for you, you're obsessed with running."

I chuckled and really didn't comment about it or refute it. It wasn't until the next day while out running that I even started thinking about it and why most don't seem to get it.

I have an obsessive personality, hell I know and admit that. But, in the sense they meant running, actually being obsessed with the physical act of running... I don't think so. I haven't been enjoying it much since I started trying to increase my run intervals. It's really fucking hard.

Admittedly last spring after all that marathon training the 1/1's were easy and there were a lot of days I really enjoyed being out there physically just running laps. Still, even when it's actually very enjoyable I wouldn't say I'm obsessed with the act of running.

I'd say I'm very obsessed with finding ways to maintain the motivation and ultimately the discipline necessary to keep getting out there and running every week. I'm obsessed with figuring out a long training plan that will help my achieve my goals. I'm obsessed with how many miles I ran this week, this month, last year. I'm obsessed with logging the miles and the times. I'm obsessed with watching the miles add up to numbers I thought way beyond impossible for me. I'm obsessed with trying to improve my pace, a faster lap, a faster mile, an easier mile. I'm obsessed with finishing a 10K, the Half Marathon, the Marathon, and yes, eventually a 50K. I'm obsessed with the next event...

I guess in the grand scheme of things that all falls under the "running" umbrella but that's not the way they meant it and sadly, I don't think they'll really ever understand it...

Ultimately what I'm totally obsessed with is trying to improve my damaged hearts' health and yes, my mental health. Running is simply the means I've chosen to try to do that.

the fun started!

Well, kinda. Early in the week it was the same old shit. Monday and Tuesday were typical days, Wednesday I got out there and realized I'd forgot to take my drugs so I had to cut it short... Then it rained Thursday and Friday. Feeling fairly well rested, I decided to make Saturday a "long run" day. I did 10 miles, with 7 of it being at todays "race pace." I haven't done 10 miles since I started over.

My 10K time was 4 mins faster than my current PR. That's a 40 second per mile improvement. Going the 7 miles was also close to 30 mins further than I've gone before doing all 3/1.5's. Not too bad. I'm going to start slowly shortening the walk intervals soon. Maybe Wednesday.

So, switching gears... I don't think I've talked about getting on a team for the Texas Independence Relay.

These guys had a booth at last years Houston Marathon Expo. A full 15 months before the event. They were just starting to put it all together and had not gotten all the logistics worked out. I signed up for email updates and have been watching it ever since. For many different reasons, I really, really, really wanted to do this thing.

When the time requirements came out, I was really bummed. The pace requirement is 10:15. A team could have runners slower than that, but they'd need some speedsters to make up all the time a slower runner lost. Any team I was on would find themselves having to make up a lot of time. This event is really one of the main reasons I decided to spend this race season not doing events, but trying to improve my speed.

All the race updates were driving me absolutely crazy. I haven't made huge improvements, but I'm starting to see some decent improvements. I just couldn't take it anymore... The site has a message board so I decided to lay it all out and beg for a spot on a team. And, I do mean beg! I played all the sympathy cards I could. But, I was honest, and I said I'd be running 12:30'ish miles and not to pick me unless you were in it just for fun.

Well, I got an email from one of the team captains a couple of days later and I'M IN!!!! I'm really stoked. We are a 12 person team, and I've never met anybody on the team.

The race starts Saturday morning, March 1st in Gonzales Texas and finishes 40 exchanges and 207 miles later on Sunday afternoon at the San Jacinto Monument.

Lots of logistics to work out... food, drink, rest spots, and chase vehicles, etc. More to come about all that soon!

I'm not sure why I'm neglecting this thing. Writing here and even being able to go back and read what I wrote a year or two ago has been a huge help for me. I'm going to try to get in the habit of posting something at least on Sundays... we'll see.

This morning I'm sitting here watching the 2008 Houston Marathon on TV. Last year, I was running it.

It's weird. It feels like it's been a lot longer than a year. Especially since everything else like Christmas and New Years seems to be coming around faster and faster every year. I'm wondering if it's because today I feel like 26.2 miles would be impossible. And, that's weird because I'm in better condition now than I was last year.

I tell ya, all of this is so mental. Deep down I guess I know the reality is I could have gone out and done the same thing I did last year, the 1/1 intervals, and I'd have probably improved my time by 5 minutes or so. This move to 3 minute intervals is just feeling that hard right now. Doing it for an hour is tough.

If I ever start talking about starting over again, I'd appreciate it if you'd give me a swift kick in the junk.

At points toward the end of the year, this attempt at change was actually feeling really good. Maybe I slowed because of the lost time I had with the flu. Rationally, it's more likely because I'm in one of the low periods you inevitably experience when you begin training. And as I've already said a few times, it's that "begin" thing I'm not having much fun with right now! I've done it all before and not all of it is fun.

There should be a peak coming. There better be a peak coming! There always has been in the past. And man, those are fun!

I'm really ready for the fun to start.

12/02/2007

What the hell!

With a little luck from the weather and if I stay healthy, it's doable.

So, how did we get here?

Jan 82.4 (Houston Marathon)
Feb 83.8 (Cowtown Half)
Mar 116.2 (back to back Half's at Seabrook)
Apr 62.1 (First of the month Hogs Hunt 25K, the rest of the month I was tired!)
May 88.3
Jun 87.1
Jul 90.3
Aug 61.9 (Three weeks)
Sep 49.9 (Two Weeks)
Oct 97.2 (Decided to push it)
Nov 81.5 (Three weeks)

Total 901

Yesterday was the 1st and I got in 6.12 miles so the log says 907 or 93 miles to go with 30 days left. I'll be resting most Sundays this month.

Wednesday is normally a rest day but for the next couple of weeks at least, I'll be doing a couple of miles just in case. I've got two trips to Dallas and several holiday parties this month. I'm going to bank miles when I can.

I'm going to keep this all in one post for now.

12/03/2007

6.12 today and the log says 913 (surpasses last yrs total) with 28 days to go.

12/05/2007

5.3 Yesterday and the log says 918. Seems like a long way still to go right now...

12/06/2007

Took yesterday off to rest. Really felt like the right thing to do.

Did 5.3 today so the log says 924 with 25 days to go.

12/07/2007

5.4 today and the log says 929.

I finished up the run with a one mile 2/1 and it clocked out at 11:31... I believe thats my fastest ever timed mile!

12/08/2007

6.89 today. Mostly easy miles and it really felt good to drop it down a bit. The log says 936.

12/10/2007

5.3 today and the log rolled over to 941. It was a good run, too! I like those types of days!

12/13/2007

6.12 Tuesday and 6.12 today, Thursday, so the logs reads 953 with 17 days to go.

12/15/2007

Getting to today I felt was the first big hurdle. After today, I'll have 5 travel days so I really wanted to push it in order to put myself in a good position. Yesterday was 6.88 and today was another 6.88 so the log reads 967 with 15 days to go. Which will really be more like 9 or 10.

I'm happy.... the last three weeks have been big mileage weeks for me, 29, 29, and 31 and I've squeezed about as much as I could out of these old bones.

12/20/2007

4.59 Tuesday, 5.36 Wednesday, and 3.83 today, so we are up to 981 now with 10 days to go. It's actually closer to 6 or 7 with travel figured in.

12/22/2007

6.12 yesterday and the log now says 987.

I'm skipping today as we've decided to leave early for Dallas, plus, the body once again let me know this morning that it just doesn't like 5 days in a row. If I don't get any miles in Dallas, I've got 6 days to work out 13 miles. Fingers are crossed!

Happy Holidays everybody!

12/28/2007

Well, I wasn't in Dallas long before I was knocked on my ass with a 103 degree temperature. Seems I picked up the flu bug somewhere. The only good news was it did solve the Christmas meal dilemma for me. I slept through that and all the present opening, etc. It really sucked. I don't do sick well. And, I haven't been sick since the heart attack so it's been awhile.

Anyway, I managed to get out there yesterday and today and at least walk some miles. I got 3.08 and 5.35 so I'm at 996. I really hope to be done with this tomorrow. Hopefully I'll feel better in general and about all this tomorrow!

12/29/2007

4.59 today and the log reads 1000!

Done! WooHoo!

OK, I'm glad thats over. lol

Not sure I'll ever fall prey to an annual mileage goal like this one again. At least not until I'm more than comfortably where I want to be base and pace wise. Lot's of pluses and minuses to trying to keep it in reach... in the end, maybe a tad more minuses.

Still, I won't lie... I am proud that I did it. It was an accomplishment when I got 398 miles the first year as well. It's all very relative. Many runners do 1000 or more miles per quarter. That will never be me and I'm more than OK with that. We are all an experiment of one.

And now, there is a very large beer and a nice cigar waiting to spend the rest of afternoon with me!

I started keeping a running log pretty much right out of the hospital. When I got the bike in Feb of 06, I started tracking the miles on that too. I'm obsessive about it. I love to watch the miles snowball slowly but surely into bigger numbers.

Yesterday, I hit 3000 on my running miles. When tossing in my 1210 bike miles, thats 4210 miles total. I was playing around with mapping and thats pretty much the distance from my front door to the front door of the Blue Loon Bar in Fairbanks, Alaska.



That mapping it out thing really put in in perspective for me! I knew it was a long way, but I was thinking Seattle or something like that. It's amazing how fast it adds up once you get the courage to start.

Where I run pretty much everyday, it's a 3/4 mile loop around a lake. When I was done yesterday and walking back toward my bike and thinking about all this, one of the older guys thats out there walking every day got off the loop and headed toward the parking lot and then when he got even with the opening in the fence, he spun around and headed back for the loop. He's got to be 80 and he's always giving it hell... as we're passing, he's chuckling and he says, "I can't seem to find the finish line!" I laughed and said, "you know, thats probably a damn good thing!"

While sitting back drinking a pint last night, I couldn't get away from that "finish line" comment..

What a journey.

Seize the day!

Finally things are feeling pretty good.

Over the last week, I dropped the 1 minute segment from the "normal" laps. I'm doing a 2 and then a 3 minute run with a one and half minute walk break in between. Yesterday I was able to do 4.5 miles of this at a 12:20 pace. That's a decent improvement for me. I'm still doing some 1/1 laps to get in miles. Normally the first lap and sometimes the last lap. I'm doing at least 3 to 4 miles every outing of longer interval laps and then typically two laps consist of either 1/1's or some kind of cool down or short speed work.

I'll probably stick with the 2/1.5 and 3/1.5 deal for the remainder of this month since I need to be able to log miles in order to break 1000. In January, I'll try to move to all 3 minute runs and hopefully by the end of February I'll shave the walking down by 30 seconds and I'll be comfortably doing 3/1's.

Ha! Sounds good on paper, right!

Staying with this goal isn't the wisest thing I've ever done... My gut says I'd be progressing quicker if I were doing shorter more intense workouts... but, I couldn't let it go.

If all goes well, sometime this week I'll hit a big personal milestone. I've been thinking about this one a while. Check back later in the week!

down rain and 40 degrees outside. I got in one run last week. Today ain't looking real good.

At least I'm home until closer to Christmas. I should be able to get in some decent miles. Not that what I'm doing right now requires decent miles... in fact quite the opposite. I should be doing shorter distances trying to extend my running intervals. But, I've got this other goal working...

I've definitely got one goal working against the other here. I should be doing less mileage right now and working on extending my running intervals. Oh, and resting and recovering would really be helpful. But no, can't let go of the stoopid mileage goal for the greater good so it's all much more of a struggle than it should be.

Oh well, I know I'm too stubborn to give up on it until it's way past too late so I might as well move on and whine about something else!

Let's see... what can I whine about... Oh I know! I'll bitch some more about food!

Is obsession unhealthy if it's what gets you out the door and on to the trails everyday?

Am I obsessed with just about everything about this quest to better myself?

Yes I am.

I just wish I hadn't dug this hole so fucking deep. Sheesh... this is a lot of work.

Things continue to slowly progress. Slowly being the operative word here.

I had another one of those trips in the wayback machine on Saturday. From the get go, it was just one of those days. After about a dozen false starts I finally got down to the park. I then realized I had forgotten my watch. Which when you are running based on intervals calculated using units of measurement we commonly refer to as time... well, it's a bit of a problem.

After putting in 5 straight days without a rest day I said screw it... something is trying to tell me something here. I've done this enough that I know where the start/stop points are and I can kick back, take it easy and just wing this thing for the day. I decided to do a few miles of that and then I'd do some really short run walk intervals and put in some extra easy miles. (yep, still haven't really let go of that damn 1000 miles thing)

It was when I got to doing the really short run walk intervals that the wayback trip started. I was running the poles like I used to. My loop is surrounded by light poles and they are fairly evenly spaced. Back in the day I'd use them as markers to stop and start. I'd run the distance between two poles and then walk the distance between two poles. Hell, I remember how long it took me to get the courage up to run just the distance between two poles. I was sure my heart was going to explode.

This last Saturday it was like doing speedwork. The distance seems so short now that I was basically sprinting. I remember when I had 10 more steps to go and my legs were whining. Today, they are very much still whining but in the grand scheme of things it's taking 10-20 times longer before they start.

It gives you some hope... what I'm really struggling hard to do today could eventually be as "easy" as it is now for me to do what I was really struggling hard to do three years ago.

Or, I'm just looking for light in every dark little corner! lol